Be a little kind
When we start out in the world, we begin with an open heart. We begin vulnerable, eager and receptive. When we are surrounded by a sense of holding, warmth, care, love, it wires our brains, hearts, bodies, souls towards a natural sense of connection to ourselves, others and world. It allows for a natural unfolding of who we are and our place in the world.
There is enough evidence in the field of attachment theory, neuroscience, compassion and contemplative studies that show that we are wired for kindness, love, compassion and connection. All we need, and all children need, is the right context or climate for it to flower and flourish. We don’t need to `teach’ children kindness. We just need to be kind towards them and to each other.
This is what they absorb in their beings and what makes the templates for a
strong sense of self and a sense of interconnection with the world.
We can recall those moments as children, when a grandparent noticed us having a bad day and just softly ran their fingers through our hair or just sat with us and gave us company, or a neighbour who always greeted us warmly whenever we passed by, the doctor who smiled and was curious about how we were doing and gave us a small sweet perhaps on our way out, the teacher who quietly supported us when we were struggling or celebrated our small victories.
We learn love by being loved. We learn care by being cared for by another. We learn kindness from having received kindness from others. We learn to be responsive to others by having our needs and our early cues responded to. We learn it is safe to let our hearts be open not because we never had it bruised but because each time it got bruised we had someone to hold us and let us know it was all fine and they were there to listen to our feelings.
We learned to trust by having someone consistently and predictably showing up for us. We knew they were reliable and dependable in our little hearts. We learned to trust ourselves because the adults in our lives were genuinely interested in what we had to say and why we thought and felt the way we did. They paid us attention when we wanted to say something and they respected our contributions, however small or imperfect.
Someone really saw us, both in our moments of quiet as well as in our loud expressions. And through their seeing, we could really see ourselves. And we were lucky someone saw in us or sensed into our very core – that has an inherent sense of goodness and open-heartedness, irrespective of our many apparent mistakes, shortcomings and failures. Someone received us
unconditionally and demanded nothing more of us in order for us to feel worthy of their love.
Research in attachment work, shows that we don’t need this kind of attention and holding all the time as children in order to receive these messages.
Barbara Coloroso, the author of Kids are Worth It’ says that there are some critical life messages that we all need to receive.I believe in You’, I trust you’,I know you can handle it’, You are listened to’,You are cared for’, You are very important to me’. I’d like to add another life message to thisYou are loved’.
We just need to receive these messages about 30 to 35% of the time. Some of us may feel that we received this amply and yet for some of us we may feel it wasn’t really there for us from the people we needed it from the most. We however can and possibly have received these messages from someone in our lives, even if it was in small proportions. And each of these moments are like little spaces or memories of refuge that are stored in our memory of our souls and bodies.
No matter what our circumstances when growing up, we all have had some raft that held our hearts and our young beings when something in us began to break. When we come back into remembering those moments or even taking in moments in our present life where we are met with kindness, when we pause with it and let it soak in as a felt feeling and sensation in the body, we create a new structure, a new re-wiring of brain, a new template so to speak that we are ok and it is ok to be who we are. It allows for the natural unfolding of our inner goodness and connection with the world.
In the early years of my career, I started out as a school counsellor. I had the good fortune to see children of all ages and their parents as well as teachers and work with the whole ecosystem. There was this young boy whose mother was struggling with paying attention to just his basic needs because there was so much going on for her and the family. And yet for a long time and over many years, I saw the light in his eyes never die. His enthusiasm, his aliveness got sparked with the kind attention he received from several others. This aliveness was not ready to be extinguished by the repeated disappointments in his life.
Something in us finds a way, that spark, that life, that impetus for living, something within us adapts almost adamantly to life. This life force, propels us, always in a forward moving way.
Eugene Gendlin, the developer of Focusing calls this life forward’ orliving forward energy’.
It’s pretty much like a plant that finds its way to the sunlight. We always move forward. We always find our way towards life no matter how twisted or discoloured we are. We move towards life with all we’ve got. We just need that kind look, someone who stops long enough to see us and lets us know in some form through a gaze, touch, a kind word or simply by their presence that we have been seen, heard, felt, received, welcomed, honoured in that moment.
That’s all we need.
Short exercises to come into this sense of kindness:
- Whatever impressions we receive from the world and relationships, need to be felt and embodied.
Here is a compassionate circle exercise that you can do on your own. Sit comfortably, sensing into a sense of grounding and holding as you sit through the contact that your body makes with the earth. Take a few breaths, with each breath allowing your bodymind to sense into this holding by the earth.
Bring to mind, the people and moments when you were met with kindness and care.
See the faces that come to your mind. Notice the glance of kindness that they have for you and the sense of care and goodwill. Or perhaps their voice and tone or touch. If no one comes to mind, you can imagine someone, perhaps a fictitious person or an archetype that embodies this quality of kindness and that they are holding that for you. Or you can imagine an animal or something from nature like a tree.
Breathe in with this sense. Feel it in the body for a few moments.
- Write a compassionate and kind letter to yourself in third person, like you were writing to a dear friend. What would be the words, what would be the feeling towards you?
Sense into this warmth and natural sense of goodwill.
Knowing how important are these little moments of kindness, pause in your interactions and go gentle with your words, your tone, your touch, your gaze.
Kindness, love, compassion are not just soft qualities. In some sense it allows us to come in touch with an inner sense of resilience and offer that scaffolding to others as well.
There is so much of this needed in the world these days!
Written by Sandy Dias Andrade
Founder- Director, Just Being Center
Mindfulness & Presence Oriented Psychotherapist
Certified MBCT teacher
Email: [email protected]
